Monday, 19 December 2016

Delivering Christmas Presents

I ate for the first time in a good few days yesterday. What happened was I went round to my parents house to drop off their Christmas presents but before I could even say hi my mum told me off because I've 'lost too much weight' and 'look dead again' which was great so she made me one of my favourite foods- Pigs in blankets! Now I do love these fabulous little meat snacks but the amount of fat is too much for me at the moment! So she takes 40 minutes while I'm sat their chain smoking and drinking LOADS of water kind of internally panicking but pretending not to cause I don't want her to think I'm ill again and all this for me to only eat half of one, sneak 3 of the 6 in a tissue and throw the rest in the bin when she'd left the room. I felt like a failure. I feel like I have failed everyone around me because my favourite foods are off limits to me and I have to lie and deceive people and that's definitely not like me at all but my eating disorder makes me lie and be deceptive to others yet I can't lie about anything else, only food. It's all very twisted and screwed up and I know this but still can't get over it. I feel like I should be able to but everyday faces new food issues lately, I feel too sick or tired or nervous or anxious to eat and I feel like I'm never going to be able to just go out for a meal or sit in a café with people ever again.
 Today felt like a binge eat. I wanted to make my friend worry less so ate some of his chocolate orange and some baked beans. I threw it up as soon as I got home, I can't seem to function enough lately to get through work or life in general. I feel as if everything is too much and I keep crying at work which is silly and childish but I can't seem to help it. I wish I was healthy or dead. I don't want to live unhealthy but it's all I seem to have been able to do for years. Some days I just don't want to get out of bed, and lately, it seems to be most days.
 The only really good thing about recently is my new friend from work! She's a single mum and her mum was so similar to how mine used to be, we get a long really well and she's quiet which means when I talk for hours she doesn't mind. I think me and her are gonna be really good friends soon, well I hope so and she gets what it's like being so young and independent so we have a lot to relate about. She's a genuinely kind hearted sole who brings everyone at work treats and snacks all the time and it's so cute! I've also reminisced with an old college friend who I haven't seen in a while and she's so sweet and kind! She never says a bad thing against anyone and totally gets my mental health issues. I have lots of new and old people in my life that I've started to narrow down to the good ones. I say lots, there's probably about 5 or 6? Which isn't many but more than enough to get through life with.
You only need a few good people, I'd rather have good people than lots of fake ones. It means I have people I can trust that I care about and they care about me. It will make my eventual journey to recovery easier. If I ever get there.
 I'll pray about it and hopefully it will get easier.

Saturday, 17 December 2016

I Don't Know

At the moment I don't feel safe without someone to talk to but I feel too clingy asking everyone to go out their way to talk to me so instead I am sat here crying my eyes out again so full of self hatred, I'd rather die than have to go to work later, I feel fat, disgusting and guilty, I just want to feel skinny and be happy with myself for one day, please. I don't know what to do anymore but I guess it doesn't really matter what I do, as long as I still turn up for work I can do whatever I want. I might leave soon, just go half way across the country and never look back. I might live on the streets of London or Birmingham and hide from everyone I know. Be invisible in plain sight. I won't last very long but it doesn't matter. I'll be free to do what I want and wont have to worry about the consequences of my actions. I want to have a new life, anywhere I can. I want to be a new person.

Night Shifts And My First Tattoo

Usually at the weekend I work night shifts and during these night shifts I get to meet a lot of drunk people and they're mostly very friendly and nice and the majority know me by name and will wave hi to me if I see them during the week, there's something about this kind of socialisation that makes me feel better about myself; when I'm behind that till everyone seems to accept me and want to talk to me and most of the time I never get that. Another good thing about the night shifts are the staff I work with, I work with one of my close friends and a few other people I get a long really well with as most are full time staff, like me.
 Today they all had to deal with me running into the kitchen and shoving my wrist in their face like; "LOOK AT MY FIRST TATTOO, I LOVE IT!!!!" It's a cross on the inside of my left wrist and it means a lot to me and I'm genuinely really happy with it. I don't think I could've asked for anything better yesterday and my tattoo has put me in a much more positive mind set because it's exactly what I wanted and have wanted for years. Let's just hope my mum doesn't kill me when she finds out but then again, I am an adult and she barely speaks to me so she can't say anything.

It's also been 3 days since I last managed to eat though and I feel really bad about it but there's not a lot I can do- I'm living off tea, water and zero calorie energy drinks and physically I do not feel good. My whole body hurts, I have a constant headache and am dizzy and weak all the time too, my lips are dry and cracking and my muscles hurt to move but I still have to go to work to afford rent, I might have a week off after Christmas to try and relieve some stress plus everyone at work seems to think I should as they're all a bit worried at the moment but at the same time I'm doing the best I can just to stay alive and financially stable. I'm doing okay at being financially stable, I guess, just need to work on the surviving bit. I'm going to see my friend on Monday and he's going to help me if I still haven't eaten as it then will have been 5 days and he's probably worried sick even though I don't want him to be. I hope I don't pass out in public by then or that'll mean an unwanted A&E trip that'll take probably 8-10 hours, I will not enjoy that one bit, so much so, I could rant all day long about how bad A&E are at dealing with my anorexia, they don't ask any questions and just shove you on a drip till you're physically able again and send you off, do they really think that will cure me? It's a temporary solution to pump my veins with glucose and fluid to rehydrate me but because it goes straight into my blood I can't gain any weight from it and last time they just said: "You need to eat." and offered me food (which I refused) and sent me on my way. I feel A&E staff need more basic training about mental health issues as a lot of the time if people weren't dealt with so badly they might have had a chance to save them but, in all honesty, I don't want to be saved and I genuinely want this to hurt up and kill me now just so it's gone I don't care how I get rid of my bad thoughts; I just want them gone

Thursday, 15 December 2016

Christmas Shopping And White Hot Chocolate

Today I have only had two white hot chocolates and a load of water.
 I feel like I'm never going to be able to get better at this rate. I also bought age 13-14 jeans and it turns out they're too big so I'm going to have to take them back tomorrow and swap them for 12-13. Is that bad? I feel like I should think it's bad but I'm proud I'm the size of a 12 year old? I think that's probably a bit screwed up but I want to be smaller and I want to be so small I can fit into any corner I want and hide until no one knows I exist anymore. I still feel too big being very underweight and I know the case is I'm probably not too big but right now I can't see myself any other way. Is there a way to fix this? Or is it true you can never fully recover from anorexia? Will I always think I'm fat no matter what size I am? Or will I eventually manage to be skinny enough to love myself?
 I guess I can only find that out with recovery but right now I don't even feel I look skinny enough to be anorexic yet; I'm 20kg underweight and short for an adult too. I'm in that odd mind-set where I know recovery is what I need but it's not always what I want, I hate feeling this way but I'm also terrified of all these calories I'd need and the weight I need to gain and I don't think I can do it. I feel if I gain weight my self hatred will be unbearable and I will go crazy but if I keep losing weight eventually I'll die but, I mean, at least I'll die happy, right?

Wednesday, 14 December 2016

Eating On My Days Off Work

My days off work usually go either way- today I've had the day off- I normally have Sundays and one random weekday off every week because I do shift work- today was a day off that I'd say was bad- I'd had one of them I'm happy and excited auras about me but inside I've been total panic all day and have barely left my room- my mum sent me a text telling me I need to eat in her interesting way of typing and my dad phoned me and told me I need to get dinner and gave me £10 because they know I get paid at midnight tonight and I may be a terrible adult that has ran out of money again.
 I ended up buying a Chilli Con Carne ready meal, a 'jumbo' sausage roll, a bar of Oreo Chocolate and a pack of Chocolate Fingers and let's say I handled buying my dinner, once again, really badly and basically binged and purged but for once I haven't taken laxatives which I guess is a plus but I'm still shaky a weak because of it.
 The problem with today is now I never want to eat again (I say this a lot and always mean it at the time but I usually do end up eating again in a few days) I feel bloated and fat and disgusting even though everyone around me says I'm not, well I guess that's body dysmorphia for you, being clinically underweight and so much so you're classed as anorexic yet still seeing yourself and thinking you're bloated. It's not that I know I'm fat, I know logically I'm not but I'm fat compared to the size I want to be, I want to be a stick because maybe if I am happy with my body I can become happy in general and people will like me?
 My best friend says I'll never be 'skinny enough' for that, I'll be dead before that can happen but my crazy head thinks I can do it and so we're going to try, I'm doing all these fad fasting diets recently hoping that one of them will work because my weight is starting to plateau and I feel I still need to lose some more and I just really hope it doesn't affect my job (anymore than it already does) because that seems to be the only thing I can do and yet I still can barely get out of bed for it anymore. The problem with fasting is my blood sugar drops and this results in binging and purging but I've promised myself I will fast tomorrow and I will only have one sugary drink- eg. Hot Chocolate- to keep my blood sugar up during my 8 1/2 hour shift, especially since I get weighed on Friday and can't have them thinking I'm fat.
 My Anorexia literally controls every day of my life and it's even worse when I'm not working cause there's more time to think about it and more time to idealise my own death and I wouldn't wish this on anyone, ever.

Starting a Blog

This blog is nothing special; I'm just a young adult that works full time at a fast food restaurant (Well, convenience food if we're going to get pedantic) and I struggle with various mental health issues- this blog is here to help me write down what's going on so I can finally begin to understand myself.
 I don't 100% know what mental illnesses I have but I do know they affect my everyday life, I struggle with an eating disorder, some form of depression/anxiety and irrational thoughts as well as severe mood swings. I also struggle with hurting myself sometimes and feel I am just crazy in general.
 I was your typical emo teenage girl that never quite managed to leave the emo stage of life despite now being 18 and living by myself (Nothing wrong with being emo btw), I obviously have a family and have 3 little brothers I love dearly but I don't see them that often and hardly class them as family anymore, just people I care about. I don't really know what to write about yet, I'm hoping I'll eventually learn to put down my thoughts into a coherent way and be able to finally move on with my life. I'm hoping this blog will help me become a person again and someone who is able to live life rather than merely survive and only just at that.