Today I have only had two white hot chocolates and a load of water.
I feel like I'm never going to be able to get better at this rate. I also bought age 13-14 jeans and it turns out they're too big so I'm going to have to take them back tomorrow and swap them for 12-13. Is that bad? I feel like I should think it's bad but I'm proud I'm the size of a 12 year old? I think that's probably a bit screwed up but I want to be smaller and I want to be so small I can fit into any corner I want and hide until no one knows I exist anymore. I still feel too big being very underweight and I know the case is I'm probably not too big but right now I can't see myself any other way. Is there a way to fix this? Or is it true you can never fully recover from anorexia? Will I always think I'm fat no matter what size I am? Or will I eventually manage to be skinny enough to love myself?
I guess I can only find that out with recovery but right now I don't even feel I look skinny enough to be anorexic yet; I'm 20kg underweight and short for an adult too. I'm in that odd mind-set where I know recovery is what I need but it's not always what I want, I hate feeling this way but I'm also terrified of all these calories I'd need and the weight I need to gain and I don't think I can do it. I feel if I gain weight my self hatred will be unbearable and I will go crazy but if I keep losing weight eventually I'll die but, I mean, at least I'll die happy, right?
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