Usually at the weekend I work night shifts and during these night shifts I get to meet a lot of drunk people and they're mostly very friendly and nice and the majority know me by name and will wave hi to me if I see them during the week, there's something about this kind of socialisation that makes me feel better about myself; when I'm behind that till everyone seems to accept me and want to talk to me and most of the time I never get that. Another good thing about the night shifts are the staff I work with, I work with one of my close friends and a few other people I get a long really well with as most are full time staff, like me.
Today they all had to deal with me running into the kitchen and shoving my wrist in their face like; "LOOK AT MY FIRST TATTOO, I LOVE IT!!!!" It's a cross on the inside of my left wrist and it means a lot to me and I'm genuinely really happy with it. I don't think I could've asked for anything better yesterday and my tattoo has put me in a much more positive mind set because it's exactly what I wanted and have wanted for years. Let's just hope my mum doesn't kill me when she finds out but then again, I am an adult and she barely speaks to me so she can't say anything.
It's also been 3 days since I last managed to eat though and I feel really bad about it but there's not a lot I can do- I'm living off tea, water and zero calorie energy drinks and physically I do not feel good. My whole body hurts, I have a constant headache and am dizzy and weak all the time too, my lips are dry and cracking and my muscles hurt to move but I still have to go to work to afford rent, I might have a week off after Christmas to try and relieve some stress plus everyone at work seems to think I should as they're all a bit worried at the moment but at the same time I'm doing the best I can just to stay alive and financially stable. I'm doing okay at being financially stable, I guess, just need to work on the surviving bit. I'm going to see my friend on Monday and he's going to help me if I still haven't eaten as it then will have been 5 days and he's probably worried sick even though I don't want him to be. I hope I don't pass out in public by then or that'll mean an unwanted A&E trip that'll take probably 8-10 hours, I will not enjoy that one bit, so much so, I could rant all day long about how bad A&E are at dealing with my anorexia, they don't ask any questions and just shove you on a drip till you're physically able again and send you off, do they really think that will cure me? It's a temporary solution to pump my veins with glucose and fluid to rehydrate me but because it goes straight into my blood I can't gain any weight from it and last time they just said: "You need to eat." and offered me food (which I refused) and sent me on my way. I feel A&E staff need more basic training about mental health issues as a lot of the time if people weren't dealt with so badly they might have had a chance to save them but, in all honesty, I don't want to be saved and I genuinely want this to hurt up and kill me now just so it's gone I don't care how I get rid of my bad thoughts; I just want them gone
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